Hitler's shit turtle

If you want an authoratitive source of information on anything, why not turn to Wikipedia? It's sort of in the spirit of the Ruta Del Sol, in that 90% of the information could be made-up, wrong, or just plain lies. With this in mind, I decided to do a bit of research on the fantastically unsuitable vehicle I'm supposed to be traversing one of the highest mountain ranges in the world and some of the densest jungle in - the VW Beetle.

Here is the link to everything you never knew you wanted to know about these vehicles.

Invented By Hitler when he was tired of all the murdering and world domination malarkey, the Beetle is a bit rubbish, in my humble opinion. And, I'm sure, in a lot of other peoples' opinions.

It seems in Brazil, they're known as 'Fusquinha'. That sounds like some sort of fungal infection to me, but apparently it means 'Fusquinha' in English, according to the ever-useful Babelfish translation tool at Altavista.

In Ecuador, where we will buy our Beetle, they are known less enigmatically as 'Escarabajo'. Which means beetle. Clever, eh? Meanwhile those imaginative Bolivians have bucked the global trend and call these comical vehicles 'peta' - turtle. Oh, the hours of creature-related taxonomic japes we will have!

The idea is, some bloke in Ecuador is gathering up a bunch of Beetles. They are then listed on the Ruta del Sol web site, and we choose one, buy it and then drive it about a bit through jungle and stuff. A bit like buying a bride on line, I suppose, but we get our money back on this purchase if, and when, we complete the journey. And the Beetle won't make you meet its mother or demand shoes.

I suppose the one reassuring thing is that they carried on making Beetles in Mexico and Brazil until 2003 or something, after the rest of the world had long realised they were pants, so the chances of finding one that, (while still desperately unsuitable and pretty rubbish), might have a sound-ish engine with less than 100,000 on the clock is higher than it would be in the UK.

But, is there a correlation between Beetle manufacturing and the fact that all the Nazi war criminals ran away to South America? We should be told. They can't all be making corned beef and drugs, after all.

*Pictures are from this lovely site

Well I would raise 500 pounds, and I would raise 500 more

That's me singing that annoying karaoke classic by the Proclaimers. "Why, weirdo?" I hear you ask. Because 500 pounds is all I need to raise in order to take part in the Ruta del Sol. The journey my 'cahones del acero' are positively aching to undertake. And I will happily try and raise 500 more, if there's any way I can.

For those of you who don't know, Lord Tom Morgan, the evil overlord of the adventurists, is a philanthropist of the highest order. He cunningly crafts adventures designed to push human endurance to the limits of stupidity, but ensures every trip raises tonnes of money for some excellent causes.

The Ruta del Sol will be predominantly raising money for an Ecuadorian charity called "Fundecruz." Sadly, nothing to do with Penelope.


Fundecruz is actually a social development foundation established by Ulises De la Cruz, the Aston Villa/ Reading/Ecuadorian international footballer. It was set up to help the children of Afro-Ecuadorian communities in De la Cruz's village, Piquiucho, one of the poorest and most deprived regions of Ecuador.


This organisation focuses on children's nutrition, health, education and sports development. It provides daily meals for more than 100 primary school children, running water for a whole village, has founded a hospital, a school and is funding the construction of a community sports centre.


How great is that? I get to go on the adventure of a lifetime, (well, my third or fouth, actually, especially if you include Legoland, and the Bodyshoppe in LA), happy in the knowledge that even if I fail horribly, the future of English football will be assured, thanks to the money we raised going towards buying little Pablo his first pair of football boots and a Man United strip.


The charity is undeniably worthy, I therefore implore you to sponsor me - when I sort out another page where you can go and spunk your cash all over these deserving children's hungry little faces.


Meanwhile, have a look here (http://ulisesdelacruz.org/contactus.aspx). What really touches me is that when we read such a lot of bad press about Premier league footballers and their wives wasting money, Ulises has used the money gained from his skill to make a real difference to the community he grew up in. Good man. I feel belittled.

A modern day fairytale

The quest begins...for a driving partner. Ideally, a lady. Someone beautiful, blonde, intelligent, funny, adept at driving through jungle/mountains/gun-toting maniacs, proficient in Spanish, good with people, an excellent roadside mechanic, good with spiky piss fish paranoia, and capable of sleeping in the same cramped conditions as an angsty fat bloke who snores like a bear with a cork up its nose. You know you're out there. In fact, I know you're out there. You have only days to make a decision. Otherwise, those poor Amazonian orphans may not survive.

Sweet Dreams

Researching the legendary Cahira (the Amazonian barbed fish that does indeed swim up your flow of wee if you happen to be answering the call of nature in the river) late at night is not a good idea.

I am now guaranteed to have a bizarre nightmare, and I haven't even eaten cheese in the last hour.

If you dare, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSLKZzuLC00

If you can't be bothered, it's a short YouTube clip that reveals the first documented case of the Cahira doing its hideous business. God, it seems, does indeed have a wicked sense of humour.

Sweet dreams, folks.

A new adventure dawns

I don't have a TV at the moment, and was surfing the web when I came across a new adventure from the loathsome rogues who brought us the Mongol Rally. Amazing what boredom throws up.

The Ruta del Sol sounds a bit rude to me, which is appealling.
It sounds a bit dangerous, which is appealing.
I've never been to South America before, which is appealing.
It's a new adventure, and will be raising money for a good cause, which is...you get the idea.....

And life can get very boring, after all. Why not challenge yourself to do something extra-ordinary every once in a while?

Now, having spontaneously coughed up the joining fee, and already wondering where my next rent cheque will come from, there are a number of exciting issues to be addressed, probably the night before landing in South America:

• How much will it all cost? (No idea)
• Which way shall we go? (No idea)
• Isn't that where they have those fish that swim up your wee and lock themselves inside your old fella using spikes? (Not sure, but it probably is)
• Isn't it a bit dangerous? (For sure)
• Who'll be up for coming with me? (No idea)
• Isn't the fact that it's in FEBRUARY 2008 (just nine short panic filled weeks) cutting it a bit fine? (For sure)
• Aren't bullet point lists a bit corporate (Yes, stop it)

My first and biggest concern is raising the sponsorship money, which goes to these lovely people (more of which later, when I know more myself). I need to raise 500 pounds to take part. So dig deep, lovely people, and give me your dinero.

Meanwhile, I'm off to Google the words "Quito", "Rio", "Amazon", "Spikey piss death fish" and "killer snails".

Suddenly, I feel very busy.